Category: things to tell u

things to tell u, 13

Will the spontaneity kill me… to continue to live, it’s essential to accept that there are reasons we cannot know. I prayed before I had defined a god. I feel guilty for wanting. Resentful when I am asked to complete a menial task… don’t u know my head is full of ribbons… but honestly the greatest happiness would be to eliminate fear for just one day.

things to tell u, 11

Feeling so burnt out. I walked along the esplanade for ninety minutes, occasionally crying a little. I always want things to slow down but when they do I feel anxious because the calm and quiet is unfamiliar and disconcerting. The beach is so beautiful and I feel guilty because I am only able to acknowledge the beauty of it in my mind. I understand with logic that it is beautiful but I don’t feel moved.

Being back at work since returning form London/Paris has been very difficult and exhausting. I’ve been thinking about the question of whether I like to work. I think I’m always saying/telling myself that I do like to work I just don’t want to do work that I don’t enjoy. I’ve probably written something like that before in this blog. And I’m also wary of framing art-making as “not work”. I don’t want to say things that imply that “I don’t want to work I just want to be an artist” because I don’t like it when creative professions are not taken seriously or considered valuable to society. But at the same time, I do equate work with misery to a large extent, so therefore I don’t necessarily think of art-making as work because art-making doesn’t make me miserable but other work largely does.

In “Lost in Work: Escaping Capitalism” Amelia Horgan writes, “At work, we are subject to control by others. Being subject to the power of others might not always be bad, but the particular way in which this control is exercised, and particularly in the context of a relative powerlessness of workers, means it can be extremely harmful. The lack of freedom in the workplace is, in part, the product of a background condition of work. This background condition is that the majority of society must find a job to be able to live. In this sense, we do not make a free choice to enter work. Of course, we are not forced to work. We are not dragged from our beds and plonked in an office chair, made to look at spreadsheets at gunpoint, and shot if we fail to meet monthly targets –  but the kind of society we live in is one in which having a job is a necessity.”

The feeling of powerlessness is key to the miserable experience of work, for me. Maybe that’s why it’s harder to equate art-making completely with work, because I don’t feel powerless when I’m making art. I might feel frustrated and confused and tired at times but I also feel empowered and like I have some agency and a voice. And like I can “be myself”.

Can I just say that I don’t like to work? I want to see how it feels to say that. I hate it. I don’t hate doing things, I don’t hate making effort, I don’t hate connecting and negotiating with others, I don’t hate having goals or dreams, I don’t hate inconvenience, I don’t hate caring about things, I don’t hate responsibility, I don’t hate sharing, I don’t hate doing challenging things, I don’t hate helping people but I hate to work.

things to tell u, 9

when am I worthwhile

Good fortune hits me in the face. I wish I could tell you that my mind has stopped racing but it hasn’t

The obligation of communication

All I want is more time, but if someone gave me more time, would my head be able to quieten?

What are the elements that combine to create the most valuable experience? All I want to do is sit and watch and wander a little. Where are the beautiful things I am supposed to be looking at?

I could never consume it all and the pain in my body brings me into the present, I wanted to write the perfect thing, I wanted to summarise and make sense of this experience

I can’t stop and I wake up in a tangle

I photograph my sweat, text you, shower, decaf, caffeine, strawberries, water, weather

u want to capture me, I relent

I am trying to organise the words that I want to present to the world. I want to organise them perfectly, so that you will read them carefully and then you will know who I am

things to tell u, 7

in the Doha airport… The flight from Adelaide to Doha is 13.5 hours, 7.5 hours from Doha to London. The last time I took a long flight like this to Europe I was going to Madrid to visit my now ex boyfriend. The day I took that flight I was… felt hopeful like I had never felt before. I feel bleak thinking about it now. I was going to move to Madrid. I don’t know. Not anymore. Three omens in Madrid: The dead branch, the dead bird, the name uttered quietly in the kitchen. My current aloneness… I think of my singular vision… “no one can take this away from me”. Everything here (the airport) is very clean and shiny… anywhere in the world. Aloneness seems good for my art. Or not bad for it anyway. I don’t like a calm quiet vision. Special place in my heart for the singular visions. You would never recognise them when you look at me. I love the surfaces here. Silver, glass, grey, everything reflecting and replicating reflecting and replicating. The quiet. I went to London ten years ago. I am closer to my real self now. little broken heart… I’m watching the sunrise through the window, sad and beautiful world.

things to tell u, 6

I’m looking and looking and looking for the beautiful things
If I can appreciate the bland and the repetitive this might lead me to see the nuance and the vulnerability and the beauty of the mundane
I felt angered by boredom (this isn’t the right word but I can’t think of the right word) as a child
I recognised the sleepiness of the small city
I had never been anywhere else but I knew there were other places
Actually that’s not true, I had been to other places already, I was born in a much bigger city but I had no memory of that city and I still don’t, I have only heard things about that city and I’ve googled it to see what it looks like 
I was never really “from” the city I was born in but I am also not really “from” the city I grew up in because I wasn’t born there and then I lived in another city that I am also not from because I was neither born nor grew up there and now I’m back in the city I grew up in but was not born in
I am overstimulated so easily but I crave a big city and belong in a big city
Every city feels like it could fall apart at any moment, impressive but crumbling, I can’t believe how they manage to function
At the same time, all I want is quiet
Quiet Quiet Quiet more quiet