tutorial with Jonathan 8/5/24

What was discussed:

• Briefly, my anxiety re the research paper.
• New self-portraits with the bridal/wedding theme and how this theme connects to broader ideas around “work”.
• Jonathan asked me how I work practically with the different themes. I specified that I am working on one at a time, i.e. I haven’t been creating work around all three themes simultaneously and then presenting it one by one. I prefer to immerse myself in one at a time and then present the work while I’m making it.
• I mentioned that earlier in the project I was focused a lot on the idea of creating a “saturation” of images and that this was just as or more important than the images themselves, presenting a mass of images. This is still important but the individual images have become more important to me. I want each image to be interesting on its own, not just interesting in the context of presenting them all together.
• We talked about different ways of presenting the images physically not just online. Jonathan mentioned that I create a lot of rules around my art and I thought it was really interesting that he said this because it’s true and I have been thinking about it a lot lately. I always want to my work to be conceptually rigorous and to have reasons behind the choices I make. But I may need to allow myself to experiment more freely in the early stages and remember that just because I try something it doesn’t mean I have to use it or show it publicly if I don’t like it. I said that when I think about the different ways that I could present the images physically I get a bit frozen because I worry that there is a right and wrong way to do it and I don’t know what the right way is. But of course there is no way that is technically right or wrong I just need to try things and find what makes sense for me.
• I mentioned that I would love to make an installation in a real office space, like on a big floor of a big building with lots of office cubicles and how I get sort of stuck when I think about ideas that don’t feel possible for me at the moment logistically. We talked about finding ways to realise simpler versions of ideas on a smaller scale (Jonathan mentioned the maquette, a small version of a sculpture before the real thing is made). Like maybe I can’t access an entire office right now but I could do something with one desk or access one desk in an office. We also talked about the option of using an existing space to create a moment or installation (e.g. putting my photos in a real office space) versus the option of putting work into a dislocated setting (e.g. putting objects from an office into the street). Neither is better, just different ways of considering presentation.
• We talked about the Sermon on the Body book. Jonathan observed my choices – using the 12 point Times New Roman font, the most basic/simple font option, very minimal. The rudimentary decorative style – creating rough holes in the paper with scissors, the size of the tape that is used to stick down the ribbons, the ribbons being visible on the back of the page as well if they are tied through/around the paper, the use of plastic and a binder.

Next steps:

• I’m going to print some photos onto paper and just see how they look and how it feels and play with them in some way and not worry about the outcome being right or wrong.
• I’m going to go back to my study statement and reflect on where I’m up to, if I’m doing what I thought I’d be doing at this point or am I not, what have I discovered.
• I’m going to keep making self-portraits and pushing myself in terms of the composition of each image.
• I’m going to keep making pages for Sermon on the Body and allow myself to enjoy this process.
• I’m going to keep reading about things that I’m interested in and trust that I will be able to come up with a topic for the research paper as a result of doing that.

tutorial with Jonathan 14/2/24

What was discussed:

Jonathan asked me a lot of useful questions about my project, both in relation to the concept and also technical/logistical questions about how I use the online platforms Instagram and OnlyFans. He asked me about other ways I would like to present the work beyond the internet. It’s important to me to present the self-portraits in multiple contexts including gallery spaces. Jonathan talked about how when I’m presenting the work on OnlyFans, I’m presenting fine art in a space that is not known as an “art space” (and a space that some people would view as like a very “low” space) (these were not the exact words he used, I’m paraphrasing). So maybe if I were to present the work in a gallery, I could present them in a kind of “low” way because the gallery space itself connotes “fine art” (he gave the example of printing the photos onto ordinary office printer paper and displaying them on a notice board). So there is like a swap between the connotations of the space and the material.

I talked about my idea to print the photos onto canvas and how this idea was inspired by “generic foyer art” – art that can often be seen in the foyers of certain corporate buildings or hotels, also various kinds of waiting rooms. Nondescript images printed onto canvas. Something about the canvas is sort of tacky. I like the idea of using canvas in this way to display my photos and arranging them in a configuration reminiscent of how they are often displayed in those spaces. This conversation reminded me of another idea that’s been in the back of my mind about concepts for a small installation I would like to make using an office desk and chair with an office notice board above it. The benefit of printing the images onto paper is that I would easily be able to display a large number of them at the same time more easily than with canvases (the canvases take up more space and are more expensive to produce). I mentioned how I had been interested in the idea of a saturation of the images, how looking at a mass of the images together feels quite different to just looking at one or two on their own.

We talked about control. Controlling my image, control of finances, earning money from the work. We talked about my process of taking, editing and uploading the self-portraits and how I like using very “basic” or everyday technology and editing tools/apps. We talked about safety and boundaries while using OnlyFans. We talked about the way I write the captions to my self-portraits and how I view them as poems. We talked about the images I’ve been playing around with using the text from the captions. Through this conversation I realised how much I love repetition and taking something and putting into a new context and then another and then another. I was already aware of this, I have mentioned many times on this blog that I love playing with the expectations and contexts of different forms. But this enlightened me to it even more. I wrote a poem in 2020-2021, some lines from it had a lot to do with inspiring this project. I used some of those lines as my first caption on OnlyFans. I write all my subsequent captions as poems, then take those poems and repurpose and rearrange those words into images made from text.

Next steps:

I felt encouraged by Jonathan’s interest in the text based images, so I feel excited to revisit those and keep working on them, seeing what they could become. I’m also excited to start making some physical objects. I need to decide what I’m going to present in the interim show and while we didn’t talk about this specifically, the conversation was helpful because it reminded me that to make these kinds of decisions I need to be guided by a clear concept. I need to think about what I’m trying to ask or illuminate through my work by presenting that work in the context of a student exhibition at an art school. I don’t need to think about which option looks “the best” but just think about what I’m actually trying to achieve or experiment with achieving when I show the work. I think this is my overall next step, in relation to the whole project. Keep doing what I’m doing but make sure I’m looking deeply at it, refining it, and making choices that serve the concept and the questions I want to ask. When Jonathan asked me about safety while using OnlyFans, it reminded me of thoughts and writing I have been formulating about privilege, so I also want to keep working on this and post it soon.

tutorial with Jonathan 25/10/23

What was discussed

• Jonathan asked me what I would like to see happen in the course. I said that I want be able to delve deeply into an idea. He asked whether I have been able or not able to do this in the past and I said that think I’ve been able to but not to the extent I’d like. This course is an opportunity to work with more consistency, discipline and accountability. And the concrete timeframe of two years offers the chance to spend a specific and long amount of time working on something in a very detailed way in a supportive environment.

• We talked about my idea to explore work and the body as work. Jonathan asked me how personal this project feels. I liked this question and I said that the project feels very personal. I’ve always thought a lot about work and money. The concern of money had a big presence in my childhood, I’ve always been aware of money as something that can cause a lot of pain and fear if you don’t have enough if it (what constitutes enough is a whole conversation as well). We talked about my own work outside of art making and whether I feel as though I’m performing/playing a role when I’m at my job. I do feel this way and always have at every job I’ve had, to different extents. I mentioned feeling frustrated by this but that I also have an awareness that everyone has to perform different versions of themselves in different situations throughout life and that sometimes it’s necessary to do this and it can benefit other people/be an act of consideration to do this. I talked about experiencing feelings of entitlement (I should be able to do work I enjoy, I shouldn’t have to feel like I’m in a constant state of exhausting performativity when at work) and then conflicting feelings of guilt (having any job or any money makes me fortunate, I should be grateful for the opportunities I have and the privileges that have made those opportunities accessible to me in the first place, being performative is my own choice).

• Jonathan mentioned concepts around observing oneself, autobiographic/autoethnographic work.

• We discussed the sense of being in a murky grey area, positioning myself between opposing thoughts and conflicted opinions. I said that I feel some discomfort around these topics and addressing these topics in my work, which is probably a good thing because I’m not approaching the project with the aim of sharing an already formed opinion, I’m exploring contradictions.

• I said that I often begin a project with a strong idea about the form I want to work with. But this time, the themes have come first. Something that I didn’t say this during the conversation, I’m just articulating it to myself as I write this, is that I like figuring out what the rules of a form or medium are and then experimenting with how I can subvert the expectations that an audience or viewer might have of that form, in order to enhance or raise questions about the content/themes I’m exploring. I think this project will utilise multiple forms, but right now I’m thinking about self-portraits (photos/videos). “Self-portrait” is the first form.

• Jonathan asked me what I think my main strength is. I said that I am able to view things from many perspectives. He asked me how I can improve and develop and I wasn’t sure yet how to answer this.

Next steps

• Consider the questions: How can I improve and develop? When I’m working at my best, what is it like?

• Continue experimenting with the performative self-portraits, with the aim of delving into why I’m drawn to self-portraits in the first place and why I want to use this form in the context of ideas around work. What am I doing when I make these self portraits? What do they offer a person who looks at them? What is a self-portrait? What qualities does this form have and how might I play with those qualities to take the form somewhere unexpected?

• Keep the idea of the body as work at the centre of the exploration. What is a body, what is work, what happens to my body when I am working?

Edited on 27/10/23 to add my reflections on the questions above:

How can I improve and develop?

I can improve and develop by committing to being more honest and transparent with myself about my practice. Sometimes it takes me a while to admit things to myself about what what I’m truly interested in and what I’m truly trying to do. Because maybe I feel uncomfortable or embarrassed about the truth. A few years ago in a writing workshop I did with a playwright, the playwright said that a technique she uses when writing a play is to ask herself, “what is this about?” She answers that question and then asks herself, “but what is it really about?” She answers that, then asks herself again, “but what is it really about?” and then continues asking herself this as many times as she can. I tried this myself when writing plays and found it really useful and I think it would be a good technique to keep using now, as a way into deeper honesty with myself.

When I’m working at my best, what is it like?

When I’m working at my best, I feel hopeful about being alive. I feel like there is something good that is sitting above everything else in the hierarchies of my mind. Terrible things feel endurable. Unsolveable problems feel acceptable. My heart feels lighter and I’m more aware of my heartbeat. If I’m working at my best (productively, non-judgementally, freely, curiously, lovingly, with care, with focus, with presence, experimentally) it means I am looking deeply into myself and into the world through the gesture of art making. I am acknowledging that I am alive on earth having a human experience.