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Central Saint Martins MA Fine Art: Digital – Reflective Blog
I recently finished this book by Frances Borzello, who also wrote The Naked Nude which I wrote about here and here. Seeing Ourselves provides some (euro-centric) history of and commentary on women’s self-portraits from the 16th-21st century. It was first published in 1998 and was revised and expanded in 2016.
Some quotes, notes and thoughts:
I made these self-portraits yesterday in a kind of accidental way. I was getting changed to take some of my usual self-portraits and I noticed the silhouette of my body on the wall in the light and took these.
I like experimenting with ways to subtly distort or strain my body in my photos, usually I do that by physically putting myself in certain positions. With these, I didn’t have to really do anything strenuous with my body, the shadow and light distorted things and created a strangeness naturally.
In class Linett asked us to consider what has been our constant thread that has been with us and shows up in our practice.
I thought about performance, playing characters, the creation of persona. When I was little, I liked pretending to be someone else and I loved the creation of character. I loved reading and whenever I read a character I liked I would imagine what it would be like to be that character to a kind of obsessive degree. I would imagine their life, beyond the story within the book, and I would intertwine it with my own life, imagining what it would be like to transform into being that person. I have early memories of feeling overwhelmed by how there were so many different characters (people) in the world. I couldn’t get my head around the vastness. I was overwhelmed by the details and specificities of all the different lives. I can see now that I was particularly interested in how things appeared on the surface. The details of people’s clothes and style, the homes or spaces they inhabited and the way these spaces looked, their belongings. I liked dressing up in costumes.
When I was twelve I decided I wanted to be an actor and I remained very focused on that goal for a long time. I studied acting at uni and pursued acting for a few years after I graduated. I also became interested in playwriting and then that slowly took over my desire to be an actor. I think my desire to be an actor was so precious to me that it was impossible to achieve (achieve in the sense of making a full time living from being an actor). The work of acting within traditional forms was so exhausting because of my sensitivity and the uncontainable love I felt for the process. I always related to the character Nina from Chekhov’s play The Seagull. Nina wants to be an actor and is obsessed with her vocation. I love Chekhov. Nina was my dream character to play – a character who wants to be an actor, within a play that contains a play within it.
I think I began focusing on playwriting because it allowed me to still be connected to the things I loved (theatre, dialogue, performance, character) but the intense vulnerability of being in that world could be dulled a little if I wasn’t being the actual performer. I did another degree in writing for performance and during that course I realised how difficult it would be for me to write plays that were like most of the plays seen at the main-stage theatres in Australia. I desperately wanted to be accepted but I also wanted to write plays that were focused on character and dialogue, not narrative. I also became interested in the idea of writing films but it was the same thing, I couldn’t write anything that mirrored a traditional narrative filmmaking structure. My friend Alberto who was doing the playwriting course with me had studied filmmaking and he mentioned to me in passing one day that if I ever wanted to make a film to let him know as he would like to help. As the course ended, I started coming up with some ideas for a film I wanted to make, or rather some characters and world that I wanted to explore on film rather than on stage. I told him about it and he agreed to produce the work that I would write and direct.
It was a years long process and eventually I had made a feature-length video that was not quite narrative, not quite experimental, not quite a film, not quite video art. Thematically, it explored ideas around performing the self and the blurred lines between reality and fiction, facade and authenticity, the awkwardness of navigating relationships and desires and everyday life. I ended up screening it in a gallery space in Melbourne in 2022. I played the film on a loop in the space so the audience could come and go, watch as much of the work as they wanted. I designed the gallery space to sort of reflect the world of the film.
During the process of making that work, I realised that I wanted to be an artist, not an actor or a playwright. I love form and I didn’t want to feel restricted. I wanted to make work that could meander. And I wanted to be able to take more control over my own creations. My work now is still heavily influenced by performance, character, persona. I am always thinking about the ways that people perform different versions of themselves in everyday life and how this can be examined within art. My project now for this MA has a heavy focus on persona, inhabiting roles, surfaces, costumes, visual signifiers of “character”, assigned meaning or judgements or assumptions, outer appearances, images, online performance, fantasy, world-building. I’ve ended up taking part in my own work as a kind of performer, so I am back to acting again but in a new way, a new context.
Some of my stream of consciousness notes made while considering ideas and outcomes for my project.